Caleb got another calling this Sunday and we haven't even gone to this new ward for three whole weeks before it happened. We would've been there for 4 straight weeks but the last two weeks we were down in Vegas. How can people just call new members so quickly!? Give us sometime to see if we even like you, or what to stay! Not to mention they called us an hour before church started and asked us to come in 15 minutes before that to call Caleb to his calling. They wanted to announce his calling that Sunday. What if he had said no? (Which he never would) Then during church they asked him if we Rees' would speak in church in two weeks. Caleb has learned to never say yes for me, so he told the guy he had to ask me himself. He did, and I said no. (Shhh...don't tell my mom). But boy, I was so mad... I guess, I would have to go into all of that for someone to understand...but hey, the guy said that if I didn't feel comfortable, it wasn't like it was a calling and they were setting me apart to speak in church. So, I just went with what I wanted and said no. Believe me....I am already stressing out more than I can take with school, lessons, TWS's, Daisy, Babysitters, schedules, and having another kid and not even knowing when that is going to happen OR I will be able to stand the pain again, or if it will all be worst...... SO, I gave my answer and turned around, and didn't even make it to the church door before I started crying and breaking down. I drove away from Caleb before he could even get in the car I was so bitter about everything with this church that they couldn't just let us go for a few weeks before they started calling him off to another calling where he would have to stay after church and we would have to travel in two seprate cars again......Isn't it my turn yet? I am the one still going to school and trying to finish well having another baby that he wanted before I was even ready. Now I feel like I am all alone again and he will never understand how I feel. I am breaking down, and I am pushing away quickly from what I believe just because....because...I really don't even know...it might all be because I am pregnant and scared and worried about school, make up days and having this baby, and then passing it off to someone else to raise for the next couple of months.......
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I want to be a good mom
I want to be a good wife
I want to finish school (I am so close)
I want to hold and raise my own kids
I want to have time with my husband
I want to not have bad feelings about the church
I want to just be happy and stress free....does that mean giving up on this I have wanted for so long to make that all possible?
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5 comments:
I know you're not alone out there. I'm pretty sure it's just the hormones of pregnancy. Seriously, count your blessings instead of what you don't have that you want. It could be worse - that you are pregnant with the kiddies super close together and your husband he is still finishing school (gone Thursdays and one other night of the week), is in the bishopric (aka never ever home on Tuesdays or Wednesday evening, goes on scouting trips for extended days and has a bazillion meetings before and after church), and works like a man who loves his job (late and a lot). I don't think Caleb is gone that much, but maybe he is. Just believe you aren't alone and that most of it is just stress related and will go away. It helps to do the "usual", namely, serve others and count those blessings - like beautiful Daisy! Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!
You know you can call me with this stuff. I am here for when ever you need to talk. I think we all feel this way at one point or another. It's hard when everything piles up at once. You are in a very hard place right now. How you handle it will show what type of person you are. These are all big stresses right now and they should not be down played. Just know that you are strong and you will get through them. "This too shall pass." I wish I could say something that would make it all go away. All I can say is, you are given what you can handle. Which means, the Lord think very highly of you. You can do it, and I am here to help you. :-) Love you!! Call me with the other 1/2 of the melt down.
Diane--
Congratulations on your meltdown! You have my full permission to freak out right now. It would be crazy not to. But at some point you are going to have to get to a place where you can begin to manage your situation. You just don't have to manage it all at once. Right now, you have to make choices every day about what you can handle for that week, day, hour, or minute. I think you were wise to say no to the talk. It's not like you will never get a chance to talk in church again. DO NOT feel guilty about that! I asked to be released for the first time in my life when I was pregnant with Charlie. I was working to help support the family, trying to take care of everyone, and pregnant all at the same time. Something had to give and I decided my #1 calling was to be a mother. That also meant working part time for me. I also asked that I not be given a calling for at least 6 months after Charlie was born. Two weeks (thats right--two weeks) after he was born the bishopric showed up at my door and extended a calling to me. Are you kidding me????? People were still helping me with meals! Needless to say, I turned it down without hesitation. Then I sat through a sacrament talk on always accepting callings. Hilarious. I felt guilty for about two minutes until I left to nurse the baby and got my head on straight, then I was done with that. The CHURCH does not decide what is best for your family right now. YOU DO, with the help of Heavenly Father. So make your decisions, enforce them as boundaries, and take responsibilty for them so you don't blame the church or anyone else. That's what agency is for. And, as far as that goes, your hubby has to make HIS own choices regarding that too, and you just have to live with them.
Your #1 priority right now is to get a baby here. Everything else has to fit in with that.
The good thing about NOT being able to give all of your attention to Daisy right now is that you are teaching her she is not the center of the universe, which will come in very handy when she gets a sibling, and for that matter, the rest of her life. The new baby will be just fine as she is cared for by many people who love her while you finish your education. The next few months are such a small part of their lives, but such a huge part of their mother's. You have to finish that now--you are too close not to. And you can and you will. Your babies will benefit, you will benefit, your husband will benefit. Period.
As far as Caleb being gone more, I feel your pain. I have lived most of my marriage as a single mother. I have given up on expecting that to be different, because no amount of demanding, tantruming, or sadness will change that. That is another one of those spousal choices I live with because the alternative isn't worth it. I try to enjoy the time he is with us, to be grateful he is gone because he is either serving us or others, and let go of expecting more help at home. The fact of the matter is, if you have a righteous husband that is worth anything, he will be in leadership callings that will take him away from the family. I have seen too many situations where husbands are away from the family for stupid, destructive reasons, and again, the alternative isn't worth it.
You will get through this, I promise. Keep your eye on the prize, girl. Decide what to do with your degree after you get it. You don't have to figure that out now. Becca seems to have turned out ok, right? Hannah survived too. Neither of them are ax murderers because they went to daycare while I worked on my education and licensing. And I can't even begin to tell you all the ways doing this has helped me be a better mother. And deal with your brother (ha ha!). Make the most of your time with your babies and get yourself emotionally together so you can do this. You are turning away from things because you feel a loss of control, and assume that all of these outside things (church, school, family) have taken over. They only have as much control as you allow. Decide what is most important each day and give time to that. It won't matter if you are going to school, working, have a calling, or just have more than one child to give attention to. You are going to have to learn the skill of boundary setting and prioritizing. It can't be everyone's turn at once, and you decide who gets the cookie. Sometimes its even you.
Love you so much, you can do it, rah, rah, rah, etc.
Hit your knees.
You know my #.
Diane...I love you and miss you tons!!! Reading your blog makes me wish we were sitting together in your living room letting our girls play and venting about all the annoying things in our lives. If everyone could recognize how they feel about their life and let it out the way you do, we would have a lot less crazies. You are the greatest. Any news on that baby???
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